As Suicide Prevention Month comes to an end, I am taking this time to contemplate the distinct sorrow experienced by individuals who have lost someone to suicide. Recently, I participated in a complimentary virtual conversation led by grief specialist David Kessler and Dr. Christine Yu Moutier, the Chief Medical Officer of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. In this space, Kessler and Moutier discussed many aspects of loss by suicide including some of the myths, biases, and judgments associated with this type of loss. I'd like to share some reflections with you.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention reports that suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the United States with men dying by suicide at a rate of 3.85x more than women. The World Health Organization reports suicide as the 3rd leading cause of death in 15-29 year-olds. Suicide is a deeply complex issue often shrouded in misunderstanding and stigma. Here are some prevalent myths, along with guidance on supporting those who have lost someone to suicide:
Myth 1 | Suicide is a result of personal weakness.
Fact | Suicide often stems from mental illness or extreme stress, not from personal failings or weaknesses. Studies show that most individuals who die by suicide have a mental health condition, such as depression or anxiety (World Health Organization, 2022). Stigmas that discourage individuals from seeking mental health support, particularly towards men, work against those who are suffering.
Myth 2 | Dying by suicide is a selfish decision.
Fact | Suicide is rarely a matter of selfishness. Individuals often feel trapped by their circumstances and believe their death will relieve others of their burdens or that they are a burden themselves. The National Alliance on Mental Illness emphasizes that individuals die by suicide because they want to end their suffering, not because they don't want to live. They are frequently suffering from mental health issues that distort their perception of their own value and impact (Mayo Clinic, 2023).
Common Feelings of Guilt and Judgment
Grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide can be accompanied by intense feelings of guilt and judgment. Survivors may grapple with questions like, “Could I have prevented this?” or “Did I do enough to help?” Society’s stigma around suicide can exacerbate these feelings, making it harder for bereaved individuals to find support and solace. Their death often becomes their identity by others, clouding the opportunity for loved ones to honor their loved ones' lives and their own grief journey. Johnny wasn't 'a suicide'; he was a whole person with likes, dislikes, and relationships before his death.
Some people believe that dying by suicide is a deep error/sin in their religion. We see this judgment laced in our language as it is often shared that the person 'committed suicide' or 'killed themselves', implying that their behavior was criminal. As we collectively learn more about mental illness and death by suicide, we know that those who die by suicide are often in a state of desperation. I believe faith leaders are also evolving in this view. For example, we can see the reflections of a Catholic Deacon, Priest, and Bishop, in this article, as they discuss their lived experiences and review of the Catholic Catechism.
Because there is a stigma that suicide "doesn't happen to 'healthy' or 'good' people", there is often shame associated with those grieving their loss. They may not feel comfortable sharing all or parts of their grief with others for fear of judgment. When our society collectively doesn't honor or acknowledge that these losses occur, we isolate those we care about who are grieving.
Our Language Matters
Microaggressions are subtle forms of prejudice that are often unintentional. They can manifest in common sayings or metaphors that have underlying negative connotations. Please think of alternative expressions to the following sayings that may be hurtful to individuals who have experienced a loss due to suicide.
Supporting Those Who Have Lost Someone by Suicide
Listen | Feeling seen is a critical need of the grieving. Active listening can be profoundly comforting and validating to an individual grieving. Provide a safe space for the bereaved to express their feelings and fears without judgment.
Don't Be Shy | Due to a fear of saying the wrong thing, individuals may choose to remain silent, which can make the grieving person feel unsupported and isolated. Do not avoid conversations about the deceased loved one and their passing. Acknowledging their experience and unique pain is a form of validation.
Support them through feelings of guilt and judgment | Reassure them that it is common to feel guilt and judgment as part of their grieving process. Encourage them to seek out resources that validate their experience and professional help if their feelings become overwhelming. You can share some of the grief resources I have provided on my website.
Encourage Professional Help | Suggest counseling or support groups that will help them start their healing if they experienced trauma from their loss and connect with others who have had shared experiences. Professional help like therapy can often be essential for those experiencing the complex pain following a loss by suicide.
Remember that different people grieve differently | As long as someone is allowing themselves to process their loss with the resources and support that they uniquely need, their grief journey is perfect to them. Avoid telling the person how they should be grieving, when they should be "over it", or if you think they are emoting too much/not enough. Meet them where they are at and honor that the way you may experience a loss will be different than the way they do.
Be Patient | Grief is a unique and, often times long, process. Continue to check in regularly.
Closing Reflections
If you have lost someone by suicide, I sit with you in your grief. Your loved one is defined by their life, not their death. Your grief is just as valid as anyone else's.
If you are supporting someone who has lost someone by suicide, I encourage you to reflect on my suggestions above and read this article provided by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
For more on grief, you can view our grief resources page and the adult and children's grief shelves on Alexandra's bookshelf.
Suicide Prevention Resources
If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or dialing 988.
Crisis Text Line: Text TN to 741741 if you're struggling with thoughts of suicide.
Sources
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. (2023). Suicide Statistics. [AFSP](https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/) 10 Ways to Support a Loved One Who Has Lost Someone to suicide. https://afsp.org/story/10-ways-to-support-a-loved-one-who-has-lost-someone-to-suicide?ftag=MSF0951a18
- Fransiscan Media. (2023).Catholic Church ‘never despairs’ of souls lost to suicide, say pastoral leaders. https://www.franciscanmedia.org/news-commentary/catholic-church-never-despairs-of-souls-lost-to-suicide-say-pastoral-leaders/
- Mayo Clinic. (2023). Suicide: Understanding the Basics. [Mayo Clinic](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/suicide/symptoms-causes/syc-20356231)
- National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). Suicide Prevention. [NIMH](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention)
- Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE) (2024). Suicide Loss Grief Support Packet. https://www.save.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Suicide-Loss-Grief-Packet.pdf
- World Health Organization. (2022). Suicide. [WHO](https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/suicide)
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