Leadership Toolkit: Is It Really That Hard to Say Thank You?
Alexandra Pflaumer
August 2026
Throughout my corporate career, I've had the opportunity to provide a variety of trainings, interventions, working sessions, group coachings... and year over year, the activities that I received the most accolades on were quite simple. They were the moments where I created the space for people to recognize and be recognized.
Is it really that hard to say "thank you"?
Why people like it
It's quite simple. When we feel valued, in and outside of work, it makes us feel good.
As humans, we have an innate desire to be seen by others. Some personalities are more driven by external recognition than others, but what remains consistent is that most employees want to be noticed and appreciated for their contributions.
Now, this doesn't mean you have to start giving out participation trophies. Leaders and colleagues investing in small moments to express genuine gratitude, which costs the organization nothing, can go a long way.
When our contributions are noticed, we feel like we're making an impact on our career and the organization. Feeling valued is also connected to increased motivation and loyalty to an organization.
Put simply, if leaders want their teams to continue driving success for the organization, they should make the time to provide positive reinforcement to individuals and teams.
The psychology behind gratitude
When someone says "thank you" or "hey, I noticed that you're really good at that," they're giving that person information about the impact of their behavior.
Our brains are constantly learning from what happens after we act. I like to think of it as our social learning bank. We try something, observe what happens, and use that information to help us decide what to do again in the future. Over time, those experiences help shape our expectations and beliefs about ourselves and the environments we're in. Recognition becomes part of that learning. [Mischel & Shoda, 1995]
For someone who is motivated by making an impact on others, hearing someone express gratitude for their contributions can further reinforce that it is good, and feels good, to make a difference. For someone who is motivated by achievement, receiving external validation of their contributions can be confirmation that their effort is noticed and valued. For the analytical types, receiving appreciation can reinforce that they don't need to be the loudest, most charismatic person in the room to make a difference.
Expressing gratitude has also been found to increase our own feelings of happiness as the giver. You can see a fun social experiment demonstrating this here: [An Experiment in Gratitude | The Science of Happiness]
On the other side, if we don't express gratitude, especially to high performers, we can start sowing seeds of doubt. Doubt that they're making an impact, that they're building a worthy career, or that anyone notices what they're doing.
You do not want to be a leader who builds the perception that you're trying to squeeze everything you can out of someone. That's exactly what can happen when people don't feel valued.
Why is it so difficult?
To be quite honest, I don't 100% know.
Saying thank you has always been something that comes more naturally to me, but I've tried to remain curious about why this continues to be a challenge for some. Here's what I've observed:
1. We notice gaps faster than contributions.
Leadership trains our attention toward problems, risks, missed targets, and what needs to happen next. In some ways, this goes all the way back to our caveman brains. From a survival perspective, noticing the rustling in the bushes that could be a predator mattered more than noticing the beautiful sunset behind it.
We bring that same wiring to work: What's going wrong? Where are we at risk? What needs fixing?
The problem comes when that's all we notice. When our brains stay focused on threats and problems, particularly under stress, it becomes harder to access the creativity and higher-level thinking we need to solve complex problems.
Leaders need to notice the gaps, but we also need to intentionally notice what's working and the people who are making it happen.
2. We assume people know.
Whenever I hear people speaking highly of another person, in or outside of work, I like to ask, "Have you told them that?"
Often, the answer is some version of, "Well, of course they know I value them."
Do they?
Test that assumption. What harm can be done by expressing it?
3. KPIs over compassion.
It sounds harsh, I know. But I can't tell you how many times I've heard leaders say, after a gratitude or recognition exercise, "I'm so glad we did this. I've gotten so sucked into the day-to-day that I haven't made time for this in a while."
Just like strategy and change management courses always emphasize how important it is not to skip the evaluation phase after an initiative, we also need to integrate recognition into what we do each week rather than leaving it for the end... and then forgetting about it.
Five easy ways to say thank you
If providing recognition and expressing gratitude doesn't come naturally to you, try these five easy ways to build them into your regular routines.
1. Make a structure for yourself in 1:1s.
In your regular one-on-ones with direct reports, create a very simple cadence that you cover with each employee. This could look like:
Relevant business updates
Ask if there are any roadblocks they need your help removing or support they need
Share observations of what you've noticed
This is your moment, when relevant, to say thank you for an employee going the extra mile to meet a deadline, or simply share an observation about a skill you feel they excel in.
You don't need to manufacture praise every week. The point is to build in a moment that reminds you to look for it.
2. Add recognition to your team meetings.
Allow a few minutes at the start of a meeting for your team to express gratitude to each other. If this is a new thing, you may need to lead by example at the start and go first.
And yes, it might feel a little awkward the first few times. That's okay.
Over time, you're also encouraging your team to notice each other's contributions rather than relying on the leader to be the only source of recognition.
3. Get a pen and paper!
Make intentional moments a handful of times a year to actually put pen to paper.
Bring a stack of blank thank-you cards and set them in the middle of the table during a strategy session or team week. Encourage people to grab one when they think of someone they want to thank, and offer to drop them in intra-company mail at the end.
Or try one of my favorites: tape a piece of paper to everyone's back and draw a line down the middle. One side is for everyone to write their "one word" descriptor of that person. The other side is up to you! Maybe it's their work superpower. Maybe it's the career you could see them having if they weren't doing what they're doing now. Get creative.
Then give everyone time at the end to take the paper off their back and actually read it.
It's amazing what you can learn about yourself when you see how other people perceive you. I've watched people light up reading things about themselves that everyone else in the room seemed to know, but no one had ever actually said to them.
You can also do this remotely using virtual whiteboards or shared workspaces.
The activity itself can be incredibly simple. The value comes from intentionally creating the space for people to say things they otherwise might never say.
4. Say it when you think it.
If you find yourself thinking, "She did a really great job with that," tell her.
Send the Teams message. Send the email. Walk over and say it.
Recognition doesn't need to be an event. Sometimes it takes 30 seconds.
And don't wait until someone's annual review to tell them something you've known for nine months.
5. Recognize people when they're not in the room.
Tell their manager. Give them credit when you're presenting their work. Mention their contribution when you're speaking with senior leadership.
Some of the most meaningful recognition we can give someone happens when they aren't there to hear it.
And, whenever possible, make sure they eventually know you did it.
One last thing: Be specific.
"Great job!" is nice.
"Thank you for how you handled that conversation. I noticed that you slowed things down when everyone started getting frustrated, and it helped us actually solve the problem" gives someone a lot more information.
Tell people what you noticed and why it mattered.
Think of one person whose contribution you've appreciated recently.
Have you actually told them?
If the answer is no, there's your Leadership Toolkit exercise for today.
Tell them. And be specific about why it mattered.
Sources
Mischel, W., & Shoda, Y. (1995). A cognitive-affective system theory of personality: Reconceptualizing situations, dispositions, dynamics, and invariance in personality structure. Psychological Review, 102(2), 246–268. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.102.2.246
Shields, G. S., Sazma, M. A., & Yonelinas, A. P. (2016). The effects of acute stress on core executive functions: A meta-analysis and comparison with cortisol. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 68, 651–668. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2016.06.038
Yi, R. (2024, September 18). Employee retention depends on getting recognition right. Gallup. Gallup article
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