Alexandra Pflaumer
November 18, 2024
The Bright Side of People-Pleasing
People who are inherently generous and have high interpersonal sensitivity (aka people-pleasers), in a healthy state, have admirable qualities. They are thoughtful, empathetic, selfless, and dependable. Their willingness to go the extra mile to create warm, meaningful experiences strengthens social bonds. They really are at the heart of so many core memories for their loved ones. They value and embody the gratitude of Thanksgiving, even when they are over-extended. During the holidays, these traits can translate into thoughtful and generous gift-giving, elaborate event and meal preparations, and a genuine effort to ensure everyone feels included and appreciated. My goal in writing this article isn't to point a finger at people pleasers (hello, I would be doing it to myself as well!) but shine a light into the imbalances that we often put ourselves into and challenge the possibility of a more harmonious time for all.
Imagine Kiara, a dedicated mother and friend, who eagerly anticipates the holidays each year. As fall approaches, she starts to get a rush of excitement imagining the months ahead—thinking of upcoming gatherings, festive décor, special activities for her children, baking cookies, and the joy of gift-giving. As the season kicks off, however, her excitement quickly starts to look like something else. Before Halloween, Kiara has already researched Santa trains and sleigh rides, coordinating with other mothers to find dates and jumping on websites early to scoop up the coveted spots on experiences that they all imagine will go down as core memories for their kids.
In November, she diligently researches the upcoming sales to strategically execute her holiday gift purchases. Her mental list of to-dos quickly grows as she attempts to stay on top of the ever-active family calendar—invites for Friendsgivings, school holiday performances, volunteering, finding babysitters, finding camps and activities for the holiday break, and the list goes on. Each time someone reaches out about another event, Kiara finds it hard to say no, not wanting to offend the people who mean so much to her. She even takes on a Secret Santa party with friends and hosting Christmas dinner with the extended family. At the start of the season, Kiara's calendar looks open with the possibilities of meaningful quality time with loved ones. By mid-November, the next six weeks become quickly over-scheduled.
After navigating Thanksgiving, Friendsgivings, and holiday sales, Kiara is hopeful that December will offer reprieve for her to be present and reap the fruits of her mental labor in the prior months. While she notices her family and loved ones enjoying the moments she had so carefully planned, she also sees them getting irritable as they rush from one thing to another. How dare they have a bad attitude right now—after all she's done to plan each moment, all they have to do is show up and enjoy it! She finds herself snapping at her family over trivial matters as her feelings of being unappreciated fester. The very gatherings she looked forward to become sources of stress rather than joy. As the season comes to a close, Kiara feels exhausted and resentful, but she'll never fully communicate that because of the pressure she puts on herself to feel grateful and joyful. "Don’t worry," she thinks—"next year will be different."
This cycle of overextension during the holidays is not uncommon for people pleasers like Kiara, who often struggle to balance their desires to please and create meaningful memories with their own well-being.
Societal Expectations and Gender Roles
While I have met a fair number of people-pleasing men, societal norms often place disproportionate pressure on women to embody the "perfect hostess" or "family caretaker" during the holidays. Women tend to take on more holiday-related tasks than men—including gift shopping, meal planning, and decorating. This gendered expectation can exacerbate the tendency towards people-pleasing and self-sacrifice among women during the holiday season.
Suki Singh, an integrative and lifestyle coach who specializes in supporting mothers, sheds light on this unique pressure:
Her insight highlights the dilemma faced by many women who, in their desire to give and care for others, often neglect their own well-being, which ultimately undermines their capacity to care for others in the long run.
When People-Pleasing Backfires
The tendency to prioritize others' needs over one's own can lead to negative consequences. As I debrief individuals on personality assessments, we often talk about how we tend to over-extend on our own strengths and tendencies in times of stress, which works against us. Excessive people-pleasing can increase levels of stress and anxiety and can negatively impact our ability to be present, often going against our very motivations. During the holiday season, this can show up in various ways:
Over-extension | People pleasers usually take on too many responsibilities, which drastically increases their mental and physical load over the holidays. Trying to accommodate everyone can lead to burnout and exhaustion.
Financial Strain | The focus on providing thoughtful gifts, and the desire to gift to many, can cause financial stress. People pleasers might not be sure where to draw the line—should they get a gift for their children's babysitter? The dance teacher? The mailman? One of my deepest fears is receiving a gift from someone and not having one for them; so much so that I have backup gifts wrapped and ready each holiday season just in case.
Neglecting Self-Care | In the rush to meet others' expectations, people pleasers often neglect their own needs for rest, relaxation, and enjoyment. This overextension can breed resentment as people pleasers may feel unappreciated or taken advantage of despite their efforts.
Prioritizing Self-Care for People-Pleasers
Suki Singh echoes a need for self-care during the holidays: "Take time for yourself. Carve out a minimum of 15 minutes to reset daily. Whether that means waking up early to drink coffee/tea/water and meditate, reading a devotion, looking outside the window to appreciate nature, going on a walk, or winding down at the end of the day to do your skincare...wherever you find peace, stillness, and a place where you can unapologetically appreciate yourself and all of who you are."
Her advice underscores the importance of nurturing your own well-being as the foundation for being able to give freely to others. To maintain a healthy balance during the holidays, people pleasers can consider the following strategies:
It's ok to Delegate! Share responsibilities with family members or friends. It can feel extremely hard to ask for help, especially if you are also an over-achiever and/or perfectionist. Start with small tasks so you can see and appreciate how others are capable of contributing.
Schedule Personal Time. You are already so good at calendar management. What if you schedule one hour for yourself each week? Put it on the calendar. Be specific in your invite to yourself about how you will use that time—e.g., go for a walk, take a bath, go get a pedicure, or read a book.
Practice Mindfulness. When you notice your mind skipping ahead to the next activity or your to-do list, acknowledge that moment and try to pull yourself back into the present. Try creating a simple mantra that can remind yourself of your values and re-ground you, i.e., I deserve to be present.
Communicate Openly and Set Boundaries. OOF—this is a big one! Remind yourself first that you are worthy of the same care, communication, and generosity that you give others. Your loved ones won't know how to show you love and support or how to share responsibilities if you don't communicate and try to give the illusion that you remain unruffled. It is OK to say you are feeling overwhelmed. It is OK to say no or to cancel plans. The people in your life who love and appreciate you will love you in moments when you need rest, too.
Consider Coaching | If your people-pleasing tendencies-- sense of self-worth, feelings of obligation, fear of conflict, and inability to prioritize yourself, are taking up a large part of your life and you want to start paving a new, more empowered path for yourself, you may enjoy the investment of one-on-one coaching. This is an opportunity to face your limiting beliefs, imagine what life will be like with beliefs and behaviors that better serve you, and move towards that new reality.
Conclusion
Listen, I get it—a tiger can't change its stripes, right? But by implementing some of the small changes above, we people-pleasers can work on recalibrating back to a healthy version of our thoughtful, generous selves. By prioritizing your own well-being over the holidays, you will be able to be more present and less resentful during a time that you value most. This will also help you be more joyful and less irritable. By recognizing the potential pitfalls of excessive people-pleasing and taking steps to prioritize your own needs, individuals can create a more fulfilling and sustainable holiday experience for themselves and their loved ones.
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