Discover how grief shows up during the holidays, learn ways to honor loved ones, care for yourself, and support others in mourning.
Alexandra Pflaumer
November 27, 2024
I remember my first holiday season without my mom. It had been nine months since losing her. We were in the heart of the pandemic with a one-year-old and a three-year-old. I felt like I was walking through emotional sludge, carrying a heavy obligation to put on a happy face and make the holidays special for my children and loved ones. I shared my anxieties with my therapist, who suggested I consider doing something to honor her. I reflected on the immense role she had played—she was the holiday season for our family. After Thanksgiving dinner, I pulled out the crystal whiskey glasses she had given my husband and me for our wedding and poured her a small drink at the table. It was a simple, meaningful act that gave me a physical reminder of her enduring love. The next day, I felt proud for handling the holiday like a good therapy student. But then, the exhaustion hit.
The holidays bring up many emotions for those who have lost loved ones. Whether it's the first holiday without them or many years later, this time can be filled with a mix of joy, bittersweetness, and sadness. As we approach this holiday season, my advice to you is simple: validate yourself every day. There is no timeline for grief, and no "right" way to grieve.
How Grief Can Show Up During the Holidays
Grief shows up differently in everyone, and the holiday season can intensify its effects. Our emotions connected to loss can feel more overwhelming when mixed with nostalgia (or pain) from past holidays, the festive atmosphere, familial obligations, and pressure to "feel the holiday joy." Here are some ways grief may show up during the holidays:
The Desire to Withdraw: You may feel overwhelmed or emotionally activated by holiday sights, sounds, or traditions. In the early stages of grief, many people experience an almost out-of-body sensation in public— the act of walking through a store, seeing life go on as usual can feel discombobulating while you're still reeling from shock and pain. Something as innocent as walking through a holiday market or watching an advertisement can activate this sense of "my experience is so different than everyone else's right now." This may cause some to retreat and remove themselves from the evidence of the world moving forward.
Exhaustion and Numbness: Grief is physically and emotionally draining. You might feel disconnected or numb, and the demands of holiday preparations can amplify this fatigue. This exhaustion can also hit once the holidays are over, leaving you drained.
The Dissonance of Joy, Sadness, and Guilt: Familiar songs, scents, or decorations may stir powerful emotions. If you typically love the holidays, you may feel torn between embracing the festivities and feeling sadness over the absence of your loved one. As you experience joy, laughter, and love, you may also feel guilty for having "happy" emotions. You may also mourn the future memories you will never make together.
Irritability: The pressure to maintain "holiday cheer" can clash with your emotional reality, leading to irritability or frustration. It's normal to feel disconnected from the festivities. Often, we need our grief to be seen, and it can feel frustrating when it seems forgotten amidst the joy. Grief can also manifest as anger, like making a snippy comment when someone tries to recreate your loved one's famous dish.
Bittersweetness: The holidays can trigger memories of past celebrations with your loved one, which can be both comforting and painful. You might find yourself reminiscing while also grieving that things will never be the same.
The Pressure to Fill Their Shoes: People-pleasers, in particular, may feel the need to step into the role their loved one once held. You might take on the responsibility of hosting a holiday gathering or feel pressured to keep the holiday spirit alive for others. In doing so, you may neglect your own emotional needs.
Each of these reactions is a valid part of the grieving process. There is no "right" way to feel or cope during the holidays. It’s important to acknowledge your emotions and allow yourself the space to grieve.
Honoring Your Loved Ones Over the Holidays
One way to cope with grief during the holidays is by finding a way to honor your loved one’s memory. Here are a few ideas:
Set an Extra Place or Pour Their Favorite Drink: The small act of pouring a drink in my mother’s crystal whiskey glass connected me to her enduring love. It’s a simple but meaningful way for the entire family to honor their memory.
Light a Candle or Say a Prayer: If spirituality is important to you, take a moment to connect through prayer or a quiet moment of reflection.
Donate to a Cause in Their Honor: Donate to a cause that was important to them or aligns with their passions. Acts of kindness can bring meaning and purpose to your grief.
Continue Their Tradition: Continuing your loved one’s tradition can bring comfort and connection to their memory.
Honoring Yourself This Holiday Season
Whether the person you are grieving played a positive role in your life or the relationship was complicated, your own emotional needs should be a priority this season:
Plan A/B - David Kessler suggests creating a Plan A/B approach to the holidays.
"Plan A is you go to that holiday dinner with family and friends and if it doesn’t feel right, have your plan B ready. Plan B may be watching a movie you both liked, or looking through a photo album, or going to a special place you went to together. Many people find that when they have Plan B in place, just knowing it is there is enough."
Respect Your Boundaries - The holidays bring many social pressures. Set clear boundaries with others, and don’t feel obligated to say yes to every invitation or event. It’s okay to decline or step back if socializing feels too overwhelming. If you’re trying to fill your loved one’s shoes, pause and ask yourself, “Is this honoring my emotional needs right now?”
Give Yourself Permission to Grieve: It’s okay to experience all the emotions that come with grief, even during the holidays. You don’t need to be cheerful or "put on a happy face" for the sake of others. Consider that your grief may manifest in other ways like irritability and anger towards others if you don't allow yourself to emote.
Lean on Support: Don't be afraid to get the support you deserve. If your mental health is suffering, you may benefit from speaking to a therapist. You can view more grief resources on my website and learn about 1:1 support like grief coaching and grief education.
Imagine What They Would Say: Ask yourself-
If you believe in the idea of self-actualization after death, what might your loved one want to say to you now?
How would they comfort you in this moment?
How can you love yourself like they loved you?
Journal or Write a Letter: Writing helps bring clarity and mindfulness. Consider writing to your loved one or processing your emotions on paper. Through writing, you may discover what you need most right now.
How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving During the Holidays
Supporting a friend or family member through their grief can be challenging, as grief is deeply personal. However, there are meaningful ways to offer support:
Acknowledge Their Loss: Let them know you’re thinking of them. Simple phrases like "I know the holidays can be hard" show you care and understand. Don’t be afraid to mention their loved one’s name.
Be Patient and Nonjudgmental: Grief is unpredictable, and people may not always react how you expect. They might need space or seem distant. Be patient and let them express their feelings at their own pace. Remember, everyone’s grief journey is different.
Invite, but Don’t Pressure: Offering an invitation to join holiday activities can show support without pressure. Respect their decision if they choose not to participate.
Avoid Dismissive Statements: It is common that, in an effort to 'help' someone who is grieving, we can unintentionally dismiss their own experience. Avoid saying things like:
"At least they're not suffering anymore"
"Embrace the season- they would want you to!"
"Everyone else has moved on- it's time to get over it"
"At least they're in a better place now" - while this may validate their spirituality, it can also dismiss the physical and emotional experience they are having. It's normal to miss someone who is no longer present. Both experiences can coexist.
Summary
As we approach this holiday season, remember that grief is not something that can be fixed, especially during such a sentimental time of year. It’s a process that requires patience, self-compassion, and understanding. If you’re grieving, give yourself permission to experience the full range of emotions that may arise. And if you are supporting someone who is grieving, know that simply being there — offering a listening ear or a helping hand — can be more helpful than you might realize. Grief may not fit into the holiday spirit that many people expect, but it can find its place in a meaningful way if we allow ourselves the space to feel, honor, and heal.
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